Thursday, March 13, 2014

What I know about love

Some people thinks love is something fictitious, something that don't really exist, but in my oppinion I guess it does exist and is pure and beautiful in many different ways, it doesn't matter your sexuality or your age, there will always be love, no matter what.
All of this was just my point of view about something I believe, though my sad experienses with love I still wonder if one day I'm going to find a person that completes me and accept me even with my flaws, that truelly loves me, not just throw a "I love you" and run away when have the chance. I can be a fool, the probability of more disappointments are huge, but I don't think shut down my feelings and turn me into a cold person in going to be any better.
The time I spent reflecting about this was enough for me understand that when you love you don't question youserlf if it's love or something else, it just happens and you know it.
So that's the answer for a question I've been making to myself this whole week...

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Red alarm

Oh God, red alarm, maybe, but just maybe I'm feeling something about someone, oh god, I don't know what it is, isn't love, but I really don't know, there's something starting here and I better be carefull, the last time I felt something like this I spent months crying every time I listened Someone Like You by Adele, I mean it, we can say that since that days I never exposed my feelings again, I realy hope this time be different, I don't want to hurt myself again, I already had my heart broken in thousands of pieces before, it needs to be different this time.

Friday, March 7, 2014

We already have a day and I'm still insecure!

You know today is International Women's Day and I was thinking about how hard is to be a woman and I'm not even talking about hair, nails or  those extremely annoying days of our period, I am talking about how confident we need to be. Look, when you're not as the society pattern, not everybody of course, but some people judges you "that one is fat, that one is too thin, that one is too short or too tall", I know it can happen also with men, but please, this is more common with girls, so as I said before we need to be very confident to live a life without giving a fuck about what people thinks, however, this is a very difficult thing to get, because we see everyday the pattern we "must" follow on the tv, in magazines, books, etc.
Although we girls know everything I just said, some of us are still insecure with ourselves, and I say that because I am actually one of them ,without even noticing I caught myself thinking about things so futile that it's even embarrassing to talk about, then I realize I'm already trying to be just like the "model" and it makes me a little sad because nothing sounds right when you try to be "perfect".
This shouldn't be a problem in 21st century, but that's the reality, my reality, I'm too futile, I'm too stupid to think that people will like just what they see and not what they know about me... well I hope they don't, because if they do it I prefer not be friend with them.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Perfectly aligned

You know when you listen to a song and then you start thinking about a lot of things, what you did, what you do, who you want to be as a person, how great is to close your eyes and let the song flows in your mind filling you with memories, dreams or everything together? I'm not crazy I swear, but I really feel it, is magical how I found peace in these moments, and in those moments that I understand how the mistakes and the successes fit together in the end and make everything looks perfectly right. I'm having this moment right now, this is so good that I needed to write about it, I'm happy hahaha... By the way, the song is "Perfectly Aligned" by Milo Greene.

The bright side

Today I was reading again my last post and in the end I concluded how pessimist I can be, so I decided to start all over again...
My name is Camila, what you should already know and I'm a student of Pharmacy at UPF, I am 17 and I'm a girl that still doesn't know what wants to be, and I don't mean it as a professional, but a person, I don't know if is my age that's a little bit complicated but I really don't know who I want to be.
Most of my time I spent with bad jokes, I think I'm funnny but that's all, I use it because I like to hide feelings, actually is not hide the right word, but kind of I have this problem, people never really knows how I feel. I'm a person who likes to be alone, I'm observer so that's why I'm a little antisocial, I like to hear, not talk.
As I said the las post, I'm with some problems, today I saw my friend, Carol, the one I betrayd, the sensation wasn't good, I felt like crap, the worst person, she doesn't even looked at me, but I can't beg her for her friendship, not after she prefered her boyfriend than a friend, I guess her boyfriend screwed up too and wasn't his first time...,Maybe one day she will forget, or not.
About the other problems, alcohol, I'm not an addicted or something, is just that I need it to have fun, but when I start I don't stop easily, this problem is the one I'm working harder, is the reason I'm in so much trouble.
Though all these things I have a good life, I still have friends, great ones, I love being at college, it makes me feel part of something and I have a future ahead, so mistakes is what life is made of too, I need to deal with it, I can't be regretting all the time the things I did, because this is NOT live, definitely not.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Basically who I am

It's being such a pain in the ass all this regret that I feel, my life is going good lately but my past is haunting me, it's not like I've done a lot of bad things, I mean, really bad things, but I did some that I'm not proud of, that a couple years ago I would never do, and now, it's almost normal.
A week ago started my classes at college, is my first year and it's being awesome all the things that I'm learning, but when I come home I get back to my life and all the problems that I created, so lets start:
First: I don't speak with one of my best friends because last year I was so drunk that I kissed her boyfriend... I know I'm a bitch and that was betrayal, I really do and I'm not proud of this, I would do everything to get back in time and do everything different, but I guess this is a little impossible, so now I live with this mistake that will never be forgotten, not for her at least.
Second: I drink too much, when I go to a party I do everything wrong, I always get so wasted and that's embarassing because all that I do in the other day everybody is talking about, actuaclly I must be seen as the drunk girl, less by my mother...
Third: I'm such a selfish and insecure person, that must be one of the reasons I dry a bottle of vodka when I go out. If I was a little bit less selfish, maybe I had think about how my friend would feel when she discovered about me and her boyfriend. If I was a little bit less insecure, maybe I didn't need to drink to feel better and comfortable.
I could stay here and write about all my mistakes and my flaws all the night, but I don't think it would solve any of these problems, they are my fault and now I'm just paying for all of them, I deserve it, I accept that, but it's not easy to deal with guilt every f*cking minute of my life.